It's exhausting--

I haven't written for a while because I'm trying to convince myself that I don't give a fuck anymore. I just don't care.

I am also trying to forgive myself for my infertility and for waiting so long to have a child. I will also forgive myself for not attending ONE more $#)($#$#) baby shower of a friend. Frankly, I think I'm entitled. Ultimately, everyone is out for number one and do they really give a shit that I can't have my own, genetic child?

probably not and secretly at night, they sit there grateful they're not in my shoes. So fine--lick your chops and smile to yourself in the dead of the night. Be that way. I'm sure you are.

I just can't go anymore and pretend like I'm all happy for them to these showers. It's complete crap. Because I'm really, secretly not and it's just too exhausting to smile and pretend like it doesn't hurt.

And that's okay. The world is what it is and WHATEVER.

All the damn snow we keep getting here dampens the mood simply because it's so oppressively cold and white out---if I could golf or something and be outside, it might be easier.

We're going to start looking into adoptions as that seems our only hope at this point....

BLIZZARD IN DENVER--

I'm sorry I haven't posted lately----We had a huge
blizzard here in Denver and there is about 30 inches
of snow outside my window!
My husband and I were taking turns shoveling out our
driveway this morning--tough tough work but it's
clear....
Now why can't a friggin' snowplow come do my
sidestreet?

I'm on day 27 of my cycle--and I'm sure I'm not
pregnant. Even my acupuncturist said I'm not--
there's no pregnancy pulse she can feel.
So I'm crampy and PMS'y---and we're trapped
in our house!
Even my husband said he may not survive 3 days
cooped up in a blizzard with a woman about to
have a raging period! (poor guy!)

So onward we go....

The latest in the cycle

So my peak fertility days came and went and Rich and I got busy...
I went to acupuncture last night and she used gold needles...this is the
first time and did a circle on my abdomen etc....Gold needles apparently
have a different frequency to them and as I'm learning, acupuncturists
use all different kinds of needle widths and metals in their treatment.

Richard is going to take a saliva test to make sure he doesn't
have any other physical problems going on that we don't know
about that could be affecting him...

Other than that, we just wait until next week for Aunt Flo....

Acupuncturist/intuitive reading

So this is quite strange. My acupuncturist today
(she's also an intuitive) had me call into another
acupuncturist (intuitive) in Seattle for a consultation.

This Seattle acupuncturist says my husband and I
have a female who is shadowing us..a female soul..
waiting to come and who is literally right
over my shoulder just waiting for to come to us.
Then she detected some sort
of feeling of a PH problem in my vagina and uterus.
That needed to be fixed and that was the small, ONE
thing holding us back..some sort of allergy or PH
imbalance.

After the consult, I called my acupuncturist and
explained all the details to her..and she says
she can test for that and it's an easy fix..

I love Eastern medicine--it's amazing and I'm
not going to argue with 4,000+ years of
acupuncture...

I hope they're both right!

ClearBlue Easy alarm!!!

So my Clear Blue Easy machine changed to "peak fertility" status this
morning, meaning I'll ovulate in like, 24 hours...so Rich and I gave it
the old "college try" again...

Who knows what will happen? But it's nice to have something tell
you that the egg is COMING, not that it's already dropped...

I'm supposed to call my acupuncturist when I'm ovulating so I'll
probably ring her tomorrow...

Have any of you had friends who have had luck with
this ovulation predictor machine?

Someone once said "forget about IVF and IUI and peeing
on sticks..go to Vegas and get stinking drunk together and
shag until you drop! "

LAWMAKERS IN COLORADO DON'T GIVE A SHIT

So I live in Colorado, where lawmakers and governors cave to the insurance lobby and don't give a fuzzy rat's ass about infertility and couples struggling to have a child.

There are NO infertility benefits mandated by the state of Colorado. Illinois mandates coverage, Maryland mandates coverage, but Colorado?

SCREW YOU...they say.

If you've got a genetic defect that needs fixing to allow you to have a kid,
then fine. But if you need a fertility specialist to assist in conception?

SCREW YOU.

it's pathetic that lawmakers only push something through the legislature
when it affects them personally.

Colorado should be ashamed of itself. It pales when compared to other
states that take care of good couples who want to bring a child into
the world.

Apparently, taking care of all the welfare babies that have arrived
to idiot parents who have no jobs or means of supporting themselves
is more important.

Stuffinghead's comment

That comment from Stuffinghead on the last post really rocked my world.

I wish pregnancy was a virus and I could catch it. It would be much easier than
going through all this crap we're going through.

Sometimes I think maybe I'm not supposed to be a Mom..
I LOVE dropping everything and traveling to Vegas for a weekend..
I LIKE my freedom and my life with my husband..
Maybe we're not supposed to be tied down--we're supposed to just
enjoy our marriage, which is fantastic.

I know more people than not whose marriages were RUINED by having
children. My brother's included, a friend in Seattle..I could go on and on.

Maybe ultimately it's better to stay just a couple?
(Then who do you put in your will?)