INFERTILITY SUCKS SO LET'S VENT

It's exhausting--

2007-01-06T19:16:00.000-08:00

I haven't written for a while because I'm trying to convince myself that I don't give a fuck anymore. I just don't care.

I am also trying to forgive myself for my infertility and for waiting so long to have a child. I will also forgive myself for not attending ONE more $#)($#$#) baby shower of a friend. Frankly, I think I'm entitled. Ultimately, everyone is out for number one and do they really give a shit that I can't have my own, genetic child?

probably not and secretly at night, they sit there grateful they're not in my shoes. So fine--lick your chops and smile to yourself in the dead of the night. Be that way. I'm sure you are.

I just can't go anymore and pretend like I'm all happy for them to these showers. It's complete crap. Because I'm really, secretly not and it's just too exhausting to smile and pretend like it doesn't hurt.

And that's okay. The world is what it is and WHATEVER.

All the damn snow we keep getting here dampens the mood simply because it's so oppressively cold and white out---if I could golf or something and be outside, it might be easier.

We're going to start looking into adoptions as that seems our only hope at this point....

BLIZZARD IN DENVER--

2006-12-21T12:59:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I haven't posted lately----We had a huge
blizzard here in Denver and there is about 30 inches
of snow outside my window!
My husband and I were taking turns shoveling out our
driveway this morning--tough tough work but it's
clear....
Now why can't a friggin' snowplow come do my
sidestreet?

I'm on day 27 of my cycle--and I'm sure I'm not
pregnant. Even my acupuncturist said I'm not--
there's no pregnancy pulse she can feel.
So I'm crampy and PMS'y---and we're trapped
in our house!
Even my husband said he may not survive 3 days
cooped up in a blizzard with a woman about to
have a raging period! (poor guy!)

So onward we go....

The latest in the cycle

2006-12-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

So my peak fertility days came and went and Rich and I got busy...
I went to acupuncture last night and she used gold needles...this is the
first time and did a circle on my abdomen etc....Gold needles apparently
have a different frequency to them and as I'm learning, acupuncturists
use all different kinds of needle widths and metals in their treatment.

Richard is going to take a saliva test to make sure he doesn't
have any other physical problems going on that we don't know
about that could be affecting him...

Other than that, we just wait until next week for Aunt Flo....

Acupuncturist/intuitive reading

2006-12-13T17:15:00.000-08:00

So this is quite strange. My acupuncturist today
(she's also an intuitive) had me call into another
acupuncturist (intuitive) in Seattle for a consultation.

This Seattle acupuncturist says my husband and I
have a female who is shadowing us..a female soul..
waiting to come and who is literally right
over my shoulder just waiting for to come to us.
Then she detected some sort
of feeling of a PH problem in my vagina and uterus.
That needed to be fixed and that was the small, ONE
thing holding us back..some sort of allergy or PH
imbalance.

After the consult, I called my acupuncturist and
explained all the details to her..and she says
she can test for that and it's an easy fix..

I love Eastern medicine--it's amazing and I'm
not going to argue with 4,000+ years of
acupuncture...

I hope they're both right!

ClearBlue Easy alarm!!!

2006-12-12T15:05:00.000-08:00

So my Clear Blue Easy machine changed to "peak fertility" status this
morning, meaning I'll ovulate in like, 24 hours...so Rich and I gave it
the old "college try" again...

Who knows what will happen? But it's nice to have something tell
you that the egg is COMING, not that it's already dropped...

I'm supposed to call my acupuncturist when I'm ovulating so I'll
probably ring her tomorrow...

Have any of you had friends who have had luck with
this ovulation predictor machine?

Someone once said "forget about IVF and IUI and peeing
on sticks..go to Vegas and get stinking drunk together and
shag until you drop! "

LAWMAKERS IN COLORADO DON'T GIVE A SHIT

2006-12-11T14:40:00.000-08:00

So I live in Colorado, where lawmakers and governors cave to the insurance lobby and don't give a fuzzy rat's ass about infertility and couples struggling to have a child.

There are NO infertility benefits mandated by the state of Colorado. Illinois mandates coverage, Maryland mandates coverage, but Colorado?

SCREW YOU...they say.

If you've got a genetic defect that needs fixing to allow you to have a kid,
then fine. But if you need a fertility specialist to assist in conception?

SCREW YOU.

it's pathetic that lawmakers only push something through the legislature
when it affects them personally.

Colorado should be ashamed of itself. It pales when compared to other
states that take care of good couples who want to bring a child into
the world.

Apparently, taking care of all the welfare babies that have arrived
to idiot parents who have no jobs or means of supporting themselves
is more important.

Stuffinghead's comment

2006-12-11T14:01:00.000-08:00

That comment from Stuffinghead on the last post really rocked my world.

I wish pregnancy was a virus and I could catch it. It would be much easier than
going through all this crap we're going through.

Sometimes I think maybe I'm not supposed to be a Mom..
I LOVE dropping everything and traveling to Vegas for a weekend..
I LIKE my freedom and my life with my husband..
Maybe we're not supposed to be tied down--we're supposed to just
enjoy our marriage, which is fantastic.

I know more people than not whose marriages were RUINED by having
children. My brother's included, a friend in Seattle..I could go on and on.

Maybe ultimately it's better to stay just a couple?
(Then who do you put in your will?)

What do you think of this?

2006-12-09T21:01:00.000-08:00

So my husband and I shagged today---after the
ovulation machine tester told us we're approaching ovulation.
Handy gadget..the Clearblue Easy ovulation machine.
Super sensitive and WAY better than just peeing on an
ovulation stick. Consider getting one..They're about
$200 dollars but well worth it. One person I know
was using the sticks and found out they were off
her actual ovulation by several days. She got this
machine and BLAMMO ...they just had a kid.

NOW THEN...In the past 3 weeks, I've had
one set of friends have a baby boy (which was
unplanned and which apparently the mother
wasn't too keen on having.) Another friend
had her shower and she is due December 20th and
yet ANOTHER friend just told me she's due in May.

I told my fertility acupuncturist all this and
she took my pulses and said "Well at least
the baby energy and all that
fertility is beginning to circle you and
get closer and closer to you."

WHAT? I'm thinking "What does that mean?"
It's not like catching a cold!
But then I thought...maybe there's something
to that...something in the universe..a message
or sign of some kind as the people closest to us
get pregnant?

I don't know...What do you think? It's a bit
of a mind bender...

Acupuncture weirdness

2006-12-09T12:41:00.000-08:00

So I went to acupuncture..she did a balancing ...twin rows of
needles from my neck all the way down my back....

and when it was over and I got up off the table, I was SOOOOOOO
dizzy....I mean DIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZY..

this had never occurred before. So I sat down, she gave me water and
a piece of chocolate and explained that I was WAY out of whack and
unbalanced as a result of all the stress of trying to pretend that
my friend's pregnancies don't bother me. Holding in the tears and
holding my tongue.

Yeah--it was an exhausting week.

But then today, Saturday, i got up--I feel normal and did my ovulation
stick on the Clear Blue Easy machine and BLAM!! We are now on
a high fertility day!!

I think it's probably absolutely no coincidence that the estrogen
levels in my body went up after I got the acupuncture to just
drain all the poison out of my system....

If you haven't tried acupuncture, I highly recommend it
but only with a fertility specialist acupuncturist.

Acupuncture today---

2006-12-08T09:54:00.000-08:00

So my fertility acupuncturist called because I had to reschedule
an appointment..
I told her about the baby shower I had to attend this past Saturday
and then my friend's announcement of her pregnancy to me on Sunday....
and that it really rocked my world--quite devastating...

I told her I was trying my best to imitate a duck and let it
roll off my back...

but she's not buying it. Says I should come in for just a quick
stress relieving session because even if you're trying to
ignore how you feel, it can really affect your adrenals and your
overall well-being..

I concur.

What will probably happen is I'll go over there and then
once the needles are in and I relax, the tears will just
pour out---

It's good---good to let it out and reset myself.

More later...

Oh and one more thing--you'll all love this

2006-12-07T10:51:00.000-08:00

So this friend who is now due in May?

Don't you just LOVE when they're pregnant and they
say to you "Don't rule out adoption!!"

Easy for you to say.....................................................................

Empowered women vs. infertility

2006-12-07T10:37:00.000-08:00

A wonderful comment on this blog got me thinking. It's so true about
smart, educated and empowered women and how the devastation of
infertility is magnified for us.

Me? I'm guilty of being a master manipulator. Whatever I wanted in
life, whatever was wrong, whatever challenges I faced--I'd manipulate
and work the situation until it came out the way I wanted it to.
Want that plum job? work it until you land it!
Want to graduate early? Work it until you hit the deadline.
Bad marriage? Work it until you're divorced and have reorganized
your life and career to a much better end.

Infertility? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

I'm working it but I'm not getting the result I EXPECT.
That I've ALWAYS been able to manifest.

So now what?

I had a dye test and then a Clomid challenge test and an
IUI. My husband and I were SURE I'd get pregnant
given that my fallopian tubes had just been "roto-rootered"
and were blown wide open---

Nope. Didn't work.

I thought Western medicine could help me
transcend my age---40---and BLAMMO...
I'd be able to make a baby....

Man oh man--all of us women have been sold
a bill of goods. Celebrities in the tabloids having
twins at 45..well no one MENTIONED they used
donated eggs!!! (Which I would NEVER do...that's
like having your husband sleep with another woman,
as far as I'm concerned.)

I'm 40.
I'm empowered.
and right now, I feel helpless.

A little less knowledge and a smaller personality
and no career drive would probably add up to
a lot more happiness on this issue....

But we can't change who we are..all we
can do is reach out and discuss..and
I'm so grateful for those of you who visit
here to discuss....You're quickly becoming
a wonderful emotional support for me.
Please tell your blog audiences about
this little spot and if I'm "techy" enough,
I'm going to try to link to all your blogs on
my blog!

Audrey

Saw a pregnant friend

2006-12-06T10:36:00.000-08:00

Saw a pregnant friend today---and it was strange..

My infertility and her impending baby were like the
elephant in the living room. I didn't talk about it and
neither did she....I think she feels a bit guilty because
we're best friends and yet , here she is...

I emailed her afterwards and said I appreciated her
sensitivity (She told me about her pregnancy in person,
not over the phone and did so, she said, because
she knew we'd been struggling.)

But had I talked to her about it on my visit in
her workplace, I would have started to cry and
that would have been bad.

Why am I, an empowered, educated career woman,
on the brink of tears and welling up whenever I start
thinking about this?

I need to recondition my brain--babies aren't a
competition nor are pregnancies...

It is what it is..and nothing more...
It's not a commentary on me as a person---
Infertility doesn't make me a bad person

But I still feel defective...

And the killer is? I have been pregnant
before and had to terminate the pregnancies
because at the time, it was a nightmarish
scenario and I could not support a child
properly at the time....

Maybe God is punishing me....

The baby machine cranks on without me and you

2006-12-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

I'm writing this after coming off an unbelieveably shitty weekend. Let's see..my FSH level is at 14 and I have no insurance benefits to cover in vitro, given that Colorado's legislators don't give a fuck about infertility, unlike Illinois and Maryland and several other states that MANDATE COVERAGE.

Top that off with a friend who HAD benefits who had in vitro twice who is about to have a daughter and the news that another friend is now due in May and frankly, I've fucking had it.

I'm going to write here what others may not want to say...just put it out there.

What the hell did I ever do to the universe that everyone in the Western world is apparently knocked up?

My brother is a doctor and has literally said "Any idiot can push out a baby. " This is true.
My husband and I have often said that were we on the dole, sucking off the public teet and on welfare, we'd easily have had 20 kids by now. It seems the universe and karma don't reward responsible family planning.

So here we are....All our friends are having babies and we??? We work with an acupuncturist and wait.

Infertility sucks.......and frankly, those who haven't experienced it don't give a shit.
They really don't. My friends are all supportive but hey, they're all gonna have
kids soon and do I want to go to their homes?

No..I don't.

So I don't know what we'll do as the baby train moves along the track as we watch it pull away....

Infertility sucks. Don't you think?