It's exhausting--

I haven't written for a while because I'm trying to convince myself that I don't give a fuck anymore. I just don't care.

I am also trying to forgive myself for my infertility and for waiting so long to have a child. I will also forgive myself for not attending ONE more $#)($#$#) baby shower of a friend. Frankly, I think I'm entitled. Ultimately, everyone is out for number one and do they really give a shit that I can't have my own, genetic child?

probably not and secretly at night, they sit there grateful they're not in my shoes. So fine--lick your chops and smile to yourself in the dead of the night. Be that way. I'm sure you are.

I just can't go anymore and pretend like I'm all happy for them to these showers. It's complete crap. Because I'm really, secretly not and it's just too exhausting to smile and pretend like it doesn't hurt.

And that's okay. The world is what it is and WHATEVER.

All the damn snow we keep getting here dampens the mood simply because it's so oppressively cold and white out---if I could golf or something and be outside, it might be easier.

We're going to start looking into adoptions as that seems our only hope at this point....