Saw a pregnant friend today---and it was strange..
My infertility and her impending baby were like the
elephant in the living room. I didn't talk about it and
neither did she....I think she feels a bit guilty because
we're best friends and yet , here she is...
I emailed her afterwards and said I appreciated her
sensitivity (She told me about her pregnancy in person,
not over the phone and did so, she said, because
she knew we'd been struggling.)
But had I talked to her about it on my visit in
her workplace, I would have started to cry and
that would have been bad.
Why am I, an empowered, educated career woman,
on the brink of tears and welling up whenever I start
thinking about this?
I need to recondition my brain--babies aren't a
competition nor are pregnancies...
It is what it is..and nothing more...
It's not a commentary on me as a person---
Infertility doesn't make me a bad person
But I still feel defective...
And the killer is? I have been pregnant
before and had to terminate the pregnancies
because at the time, it was a nightmarish
scenario and I could not support a child
properly at the time....
Maybe God is punishing me....
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4 comments:
God is not punishing you. The universe simply doesn't work that way. Fair and unfair are concepts created by people to add meaning and purpose to life. In reality, there's no such thing. As you said, it is what it is.
It's completely normal to feel the way you do. You at least sound sane. After three years of infertility I was like a raging lunatic! I couldn't stand my friends that were pregnant. I was physically ill at the thought of seeing them. It wasn't that I was unhappy for them, I was just overwhelming sad and angry at my own situation.
I think being educated and empowered is almost a negative when it came to infertility. I was so used to the idea that if I worked for something, I got it. After reading articles, websites and books on infertility and seeing doctor after doctor, I felt kind of like I had put in my time -I did all that studying and research now give me my degree, damnit! Silly, right?
The good news is that I am now the mother of a beautiful, healthy 20-month-old girl. After all the other tests, drugs and everything, I conceived a week after I went into hospital for a D&C, dye injection (my second) and laproscopy.
Don't berate yourself for your emotions and know that there are other women out there to support you.
Oh sweet Audrey...first of all NO God is not punishing you. I do not believe that is the way He works. Sure there are decisions that we pay the price for but I do not believe that this situation is one of them.
It is difficult to be with a preggo friend even if they are one of your closest. We can be so happy for them and at the same time so completely sad for ourselves. It just isn't fair is it? No life isn't fair and it will never be so what are we to do? Hold on to hope my sister...keep the faith that one day you will be a mother (maybe not the traditional way but you can be).
We your blog sisters are here for you. We understand and have had those same thoughts and feelings.
We have two babies due in our family this month - one already has a 2y old, the other already has a 1y old.
Me, I had my 9th loss last week. It's going to be a fun Christmas, can't you tell??
ladies I love your comments so much--it makes me feel better to know that you're out there and we're all thinking the same things....
Catherine, that's just heartbreaking---the holidays sound like they will be difficult. Try to keep your chin up.
Stuffing---You're right! My next post will be on empowerment and how it doesn't always work in infertility.
Not so fertile--yes...I don't want to lose the friendship over the baby but I don't want to be around the baby necessarily...
It's a Hobson's choice
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